I guess I'm the kind who always acts tough, even though it hurts inside, even though a big part of me does not want to let go, I allow others to influence my decision, and let others' thoughts overtake my own voice.
I chose to be so heartless (I'm so sorry) sometimes not because I want to, trust me on that, I can promise with my whole life. Sometimes I choose to be mean, just because you can leave me alone, move on, and find someone better.
I never ever felt I was good enough to be treated like a princess by anyone else other than my family members. I am a spoilt brat who hates to lose, who always needs to prove her point. I am not giving, and therefore, I should not accept 100% tolerance from anyone. I felt that things between two people should be fair, and if I cannot give enough to equate to the other person's efforts... Not even close, I choose to forgo. I know it may be stupid, but as I said I also care a lot about what my family and friends think.
and believe me, when I said I don't want you to waste your time, I really really mean good, I really don't want you to wait for something that you don't even know when or if it'll ever happen. And I truly mean it when I'm not good enough, I mean, we could be together but there's so many people out there that you could try to be with, a part from myself..
I believe in doing whatever that's best for the person you care about, and that's what I'm doing- even if you disagree so damn strongly, I don't want you to regret in the future thinking, "I've wasted so much time on chasing that one person and my efforts have been wasted."
I really wanted you in my life again when I see you trying so hard now but people around me kept telling me it's not enough, and I really wished they could feel the way I do and see the things I see, but that being said, whenever I think of all the things you lie about, I'm still so scared :(
(Right from the very start when I got to know about everything, I wished they were all not true, or not all true. When everything got exposed I felt so cheated, not of feelings, but of so much trust. I told my friends all the good things about you but I never expected that one not-so-good thing about you could hurt that much.
To be honest I always had trust issues, especially so when ED entered my life and destroyed many parts of me. It totally killed my entire trust on so many people and so many things, not just outsiders but also closed ones like family and friends... Not until I got over it after 2 years and had my first r/s in 3 years that didn't turn out anywhere near well.
When you stepped into my world I never doubted you, at all. I knew about your past reputation but in my eyes, I see for myself that when we hang out and communicate you weren't that person that I thought was/ you were used to. I was really happy when I'm with you and the thought of you makes me smile from my heart, and in my dreams.)
^ even now when I'm typing that I really miss you, and us back then, thinking back on all the laughters we shared, hahaha. But I already shut you off and I guess there's no room for regrets unless you ever come and talk to me again ._.
No matter how much I want to have you back, I am going to push you away,.. For now... Maybe when you stop breathing down my neck like these, I will miss you, and time will let me forgive. Till then if I still mean this much to you, I hope you'll come back for me. If not, I'll be happy when you are :')
<edit> this post was dated 17th, but I only published it now coz I didn't want my personal feelings to be publicised... but then again now I think no one really reads my blog if I don't advert it so heck it!!!.
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